el serracho brand web log computer interface

i don't live here anymore.

2008-05-26T12:47:00.000-07:00

if it seems like i've only been here for six weeks, that's because i have. now the time has come for el serracho to move, yet again. please come visit.

hillary? no, wait, that was just your campaign..

2008-05-23T12:32:00.000-07:00

i kid, i kid; no political stuff here, i promise.

Thomas suffered two heart attacks and had no brain waves for more than 17 hours. At about 1:30 a.m. Saturday, her heart stopped and she had no pulse. A respiratory machine kept her breathing and rigor mortis had set in, doctors said.

"Her skin had already started to harden and her fingers curled. Death had set in," said son Jim Thomas.

yep, she got better. best part though is the onionesque photo with the story.

oy, my aching rigor mortis.

FLDS Moms; the gift that keeps on giving

2008-05-23T10:19:00.000-07:00

while i applaud yesterday's decision to reverse the state kidnapping in texas, i'm more happy to have another day's worth of pics of the FLDS Moms.

a little known custom in the FLDS church is the love post. waaaaa i love this post! no, post, we musn't go on like this, waaaaa.

photo-bombing: an age old FLDS custom. who knew?

oohhh yeah! school's out bitches!

i am the queen of france!

2008-05-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

yeah, another video; in fact just reposting what you probably already saw at the bummer life. but what a video it is.

alice

2008-05-22T14:52:00.000-07:00

elserracho like.

suck never goes away it just changes it's face

2008-05-22T09:49:00.001-07:00

i submit, for your consideration, that steve carrell is the new martin short*.

set aside your office-based prejudice and discuss.

for those too young to remember, martin short is the *old* steve carrell.

why oh why won't you listen to me?

2008-05-22T08:57:00.001-07:00

this may be a bit of a white whine, but when tell the barrista that i want 4 shots iced, i don't want to be asked if i want water in that.

incidentally, i prefer the australian version; to *whinge*. as in "aw, quit your whinging" or "el serracho was whinging on about the damn barrista when folks around the world have to live without any espresso at all."

i'm old

2008-05-21T11:53:00.000-07:00

overheard just now, my 20-something co-worker "oh my god, this is the hardest book i've ever read."

curiosity got a hold of me so i looked up to see... no book at all. just a computer monitor. "books" ya know.

you know what? fuck brooks saddles

2008-05-20T11:35:00.001-07:00

brooks bicycle saddles. oh the history! have you seen these beautiful saddles? they're so classic, so ... COOL looking. i just HAVE to get one so i can sit on the rivet just like phil ligget said. oooohhh i'm gonna cream on this gorgeous saddle.

oh wait, has anyone tried to ride on one of these things? they suck. worst bicycle saddle in history. for the purposes of this review, i once spent a day with a brooks saddle (three years ago). it was like riding a bicycle made of legos. in fact, i challenge you to build a saddle out of legos. i will use it instead of one of these crappy saddles. zero out of five stars.

if you want a brooks saddle, here is your new bike. i already put your fancy english bicycle seat on it for you. you suck.

dickipedia. at long last.

2008-05-20T10:23:00.000-07:00

Lance Armstrong (born Lance Edward Gunderson on September 18, 1971) is a retired road racing cyclist, cancer survivor, self-aggrandizer, and a dick.

It has been said that some men are born dicks while others have dickishness thrust upon them. Lance Armstrong falls into the second camp. An indisputably talented athlete with a solid work ethic and positive attitude, he is nonetheless insufferably self-content. This is demonstrated by his six-figure public-appearance fee and penchant for issuing vomitously trite motivational sound bites like “a boo is a lot louder than a cheer” and “pain is temporary, but if you quit it lasts forever.”

i know i've said this before but this time i meant it. THIS is the reason the internets were invented.

enjoy..

oh yeah, gracias to the cd for sending this link over. he's had a fascination with dicks as long as i've known him.

def not payin' that much

2008-05-20T08:54:00.000-07:00

i'm all for bands makin' mon any way than can, hon. but i think the dandy warhols might have gone off the deep end with their offer to download their new record...for 35 bucks (but you get a poster!) yoinks.

none the less, thanks Agi for passing along this link where one can listen to the whole album right now. at work! i mean what else have you got going on?

yes, i really did take notes

2008-05-19T13:02:00.001-07:00

overheard, spoken by a single gentleman, on the flight to amsterdam last week

they're the reason we're in profit challenge mode

we're going to put them in the hurt locker

if i find out they're two to a project we are all sitting down for a little chat

with that, he hung up his cell phone and opened the wall street journal. he gave the contents of the journal's front page a few knowing nods before opening his laptop and working on a powerpoint presentation entitled "Human Capital Management."

wisdom

2008-05-19T09:44:00.000-07:00

“Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. Sure, it tastes the same but it just isn’t right.”

via la casa de Judas, via some guy.

i'd thrown decaf in the mix too.

Xhibit can suck it

2008-05-17T14:05:00.001-07:00

this ford escort wagon has already been pimped.

it's the attention to detail that i love about this ride. well that and the utter obliviousness of it all. 5 out 4 stars!

customer servicing

2008-05-16T12:26:00.000-07:00

there's my wittle guy! oohh and he brought a friend!

my old pal and ex co-worker came by the pad yesterday to perform the duties of his new job: termite inspector. seems you can make big bucks (or at least bigger than the bike industry) thusly AND you get to sit on the beach reading the paper in the morning rather than slogging your way to irvine on a bicycle like he did for 15 years. it was a good time, we shot the shit, mostly about the ins and outs of his new job. it seems that his potential customers are often a bit difficult to deal with. money quote:

fuck with me enough and i'll piss in your attic

oh and, in case your wondering, the house got a clean bill of health. strange thing though, he was there for more than two hours and never used the bathroom..curious.

i wanna go next time

2008-05-15T09:25:00.000-07:00

the dumbening

2008-05-14T12:40:00.000-07:00

over at boingboing there's a post with a link debunking the notion that cycling is "less efficient" than driving a car due to the amount of fuel a human consumes while cycling -

A persistent rumor claims that riding a bike is actually less efficient than driving a car if you account for the energy that goes into producing the food/drink that "fuels" a cyclist.

seriously? this is a fucking rumor? did you know that corn flakes cause cancer and that your hands turn green when you masturbate? it's all true. trust me. please send 10 bucks and a bottle of IPA for more life saving truisms.

at any rate, the debunkification can be found here.

kill the planet - ride your bike.

one of those funny blogs

2008-05-12T18:51:00.000-07:00

things that are younger than john mccain dot com

why the subsititute should be given full tenure

2008-05-12T18:35:00.000-07:00

the sub expounds on the nonsense that is the car de jour and solution to all of our problems: the toyota prius.

in part -

Purchasing a hybrid vehicle pays off the owner's conscience in the best American way: with a unique product. The buyer feels a sense of moral superiority, the seller makes some money, and the essential problem continues.

he goes on to suggest that the best way to rid ourselves of our old cars is to have them crushed into a cube. very burnsian* indeed (monty, not ken).

pretty much, read more please.

*update: an explanation of the burns reference

Homer to Burns: Here are your messages... you have 30 minutes to move your car.

Homer: You have 10 minutes.

Homer: Your car has been impounded.

Homer: Your car has been crushed into a cube.

Homer: You have 30 minutes to move your cube.

Phone rings and Homer picks up: Hello, Mr. Burns's office.

Burns: Is it about my cube?

in local news

2008-05-12T11:50:00.000-07:00

headlines from the oc register today

Stanton man shot in butt

Motorcyclist killed in accident was wearing novelty helmet, officials say

Brain growth guru started with a hammer and a golf ball

Stay fit by doing nothing!

i'm kicking myself for not getting the screen shot when they were all on-line together. but i did find this picture elsewhere on the site.

mmmm mmmm!

my apologies

2008-05-12T09:17:00.000-07:00

i'd like to renounce and reject myself for posting that but i can't find the button.

i crap you not

2008-05-12T08:28:00.000-07:00

the oc weekly (our local "alt" rag) on the new b-52's record:

Funplex doesn’t suck. In fact, it doesn’t even come close to sucking.

rave review; no shit. i wrote 'em a letter, it began with "WTF" and continued with "are you off your meds?"

i'll let you know if they print it, meanwhile i offer you exhibit A, it's their hit single "funplex" (baby funplex!).

you know, i'm looking at the preview pic below and realize that you may not even need to click play to understand the level of suck we are talking about here.

you see, it's a "quirky" "fun" song about going to the mall. ahem.

bummer

2008-05-11T10:50:00.000-07:00

this ain't good.

it's good to be home

2008-05-10T17:15:00.000-07:00

i was also (see below) thinkin about you in the airport in chicago while waiting for the amsterdam flight. there’s a little game the familia de serracho plays; when we’re chilling out on the town, point out some stranger and name some celebrity or other recognizable face. “hey look it’s Conrad Bain!” or “look, there goes that child pornography guy.” You know, if you do it right, it’s good for laughs. Your mark has a look, sees some funny similarity that you saw and hardy har har. So when I was sittin’ at O’hare the other day with mr. kempe (rhymes with Tempe) and he says “look, it's Stevie Wonder” I hurriedly looked up only to see, alas, the actual Stevie Wonder. That sucked. please, in the future, remember that i prefer my celebs to be of the fake variety.

just sayin'

i saw some stuff in the low lands i thought you might enjoy. like this cat on a warm glass roof.

i figured you might like how it looked up there.

i also saw this bike. in two parts (the pictures, not the bike).

you like?

this explains a lot about you

2008-05-10T16:57:00.000-07:00

actual product from an actual dutch chemist*

*pharmacy, whitey.

2008-05-04T18:57:00.000-07:00

hmmm yes, the crosby. the GOS and i have gone over there two fridays in a row and for two fridays in a row it was the house of backsliding cyclists (i'm talking about you Sacha and Eric..well, Andrew too.. sort of). good pie and beer is to be had there, though more of the former and less of the latter until they get an IPA on tap. i bitched about it to one of the owners. not the handlebar guy, or the other one but the other-other one. yeah, the asian guy. it was an amazing summer like night for the GOS to try out her new single speed. it were a hit (thanks andrew and stevil!).

back at home there was this

pungent, harsh, bitter, and 11%. just how i like my women. so i read the bottle a bit, had never heard of Beer Valley. turns out it's outsource-brewed by someone in santa fe rather than in OR. sounds kinda fishy and lame so now i'm conflicted. i loved it. .but did i? well.. yeah. i did. in fact i'm finishing it now.

i'm off to harderwijk tomorrow so i'll be taking a break from admiring my now famous neighbors.

ORANGE – At first it was the neighbor's barking dog that bugged Trevor Colon. Now it's the neighbors themselves.

Colon filed two complaints against Chloe, an 8-year-old boxer belonging to Ric and Saundra Katz, saying the dog continually barks every other Wednesday morning.

In response, the couple hung a professionally made 3-foot by 6-foot sign off their home which reads: "Sorry You Are Such A Dog Hater."

ahem..

yeah, right across the street. welcome to orange county, ca. passive-aggressive central.

i'm out but nearby if you get me.

i'll leave you with this picture i took of a fire sprinkler.

pac man explained

2008-05-04T09:49:00.000-07:00

from the house of judas

can't look away

2008-05-03T17:01:00.001-07:00

i learned of these two via my dirty little secret of a blog that i check every day. i can't help myself from reading the superficial. there, i said it. but look at these two. they are, apparently, on a reality tv show. they are stars and are milking it for everything they can. i can't look away from their astonishing awkwardness and lack of any definable character. as far i know (which knowledge is sorely limited by the fact that the only place i've ever read of them is the superficial) neither has contributed anything to the world even by the low standards of the entertainment industry. yet there they stand, at the kentucky derby, famous as fuck and loving every single staged minute of it.

just look at those hands, each of them perfectly placed, the smiles, that bracelet, and where, for fuck's sake are they looking?

i'm staring into a void and i love it.

also, and related only by the fact that i just heard it, "Hey Ya!" by Outkast continues to be an amazing song on a damn fine record but the radio unfriendly "Caroline" that follows it just effing rocks. to wit: the lyric

See Caroline all the guys would say she's mighty fine
But mighty fine only got you somewhere half the time
And the other half either got you cursed out, or coming up short
Yeah, now dig this, now even though
You'd need a golden calculator to divide
The time it takes to look inside and realize that
Real guys go for real down to Mars girls, yeah!

i ain't even gonna mention that organ. oh wait i did.

outta contextual genius

2008-05-03T16:52:00.000-07:00

your headline of the day

The Hives to let gorillas pick set for Zoo festival

i hadda think about that one for a bit before it sank in.

on futility and geometrical shapes

2008-05-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

last night, down at the circle in orange (yeah i know it's an oval), the GOS and i saw the code pink folks doing their wednesday night war protest. still. what's it been? 4 years they've been doing this? i just can't imagine why. don't get wrong, i hate a war as much as the next code pink lady but seriously? granted, over the years the middle fingers they used to get have changed to supportive honking. lots and lots of noisy honking. and, well, MORE war. this was still fresh in my mind when i saw the may day immigration march map in the paper -

again, i love an immigrant as much as the next white-guilt ridden pseudo liberal, but seriously? marches and protests seem to have all the power of blogging. the symbolism of marching in a circle (yeah, i know it's a rectangle) is a beautiful thing. we need a symbol for blogging; but maybe the blogger his or herself is the symbol for itself. march on mis hermanos.

could it be? is it .. is that...? fresh air?

2008-04-30T18:12:00.001-07:00

breath it in people. breath it in. in comes a reasoned take on a topic that's near and dear to feminists everywhere. out goes b-list blogger blowhards and with heightened sensitivity that's been honed by so many hours sitting home, alone, in front of a pc bloggin their little hearts out. on the GTA4 "controversey" -

..I thought it was funny. Because this whole moronic outcry against what is nothing but an unabashed and unashamed articulation of Man's basest impulses run amok is nothing but hypocrisy. Here's a newsflash for you. This is the way people think.

eyes hold more than his bellycan

2008-04-29T16:20:00.001-07:00

oh those funny funny internet pics!

all hail...

2008-04-27T10:25:00.000-07:00

the GOS was involved in a fairly significant fender bender yesterday. the car is fucked (i wanted to get rid of it anyways), her body is ok, but i'm worried about her immortal soul after reading the accident report taken by the officer of the beast. click to rebigify.

cracks me up

2008-04-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

for those too lazy or disinterested to watch the video i posted below, here's a screen shot of the mormons doing their dirty genealogy work.

you see.. they lurk around graveyards! can't you see how nutty they are??

heh.

ps i KNOW you clicked on that image to get the video to play.

wait for it..

2008-04-25T10:34:00.000-07:00

all names have been changed to protect the guilty.

a friend of mine who's a small business owner told me a story this morning. it's about him (let's call him damion), one of his employees (who we'll call matt), and a certain government agency (who we shall call the IRS).

he reminded me of a story about matt that he'd told me a few months ago. the short version is this. back in the 90's matt made a ton of money in the dot-com boom. several million bucks by cashing in stock options (5 cents for over a hundy per). matt did at least one thing that i would have done. he quit his job, cashed out a portion of the stocks and hit the road. he reinvested in the same stock. all of it. i think he went to europe and bummed around for about a year or so. he may have called or written to family members a few times but was pretty unreachable.

when he eventually got home, surprise surprise, the bubble had burst and his stock was worthless. to add insult to injury, here comes the IRS: "you owe us 300 thousand dollars" which just so happened to be almost exactly what he had left in the bank.

matt opted to ignore the IRS and spend the rest of his money. after a few years, it was all gone and he had to get a job. eventually he ended up working for damion who eventually told me this part of the story. matt did not file a tax return for more than ten years.

yesterday, damion got a letter from the IRS lett him (damion) know that they will be garnishing matt's wages begining now. so damion asked matt what was up.. why is this happening now?

matt explained that he filed a tax return this year.

"why" damion naturally asked.

.........

matt replied that he wanted the 600 dollar rebate that president bush promised him.

i'm guessing he's still eligible for the rebate but i don't know if he gets it before or after they get the 300k.

seemed a logical place to stop

2008-04-24T18:46:00.000-07:00

so i went inside

stockholm, april 2008

just a thought

2008-04-24T18:10:00.000-07:00

scientologists are the new mormons

unbiased

2008-04-24T15:24:00.001-07:00

hilarious cartoon from the 80's that supposedly explains mormon doctrine. the punchline is really at 5:21, it depicts mormon's "genealogy work" as lurking around graveyards after dark with flashlights. is there anything those crazy mormons won't do?

waiting for lady's night?

2008-04-24T11:11:00.000-07:00

i walked upstairs to use the company gym for my daily sit ups and push ups. it's not much but it helps keep my biceps in their classic pipe cleaner form. as is my custom i listened carefully as i approached the door to the gym waiting for the tell-tale sounds. wait..there they are. the manly grunts, heavy breathing, and even a congratulatory "whooo!"

i'll try again later.

do as the button commands

2008-04-24T09:47:00.001-07:00

so i just stay away

2008-04-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

first. right off the bat i want to warn you that this is a story of me being verbally accosted in a public place. this sort of thing doesn't actually happen every day but it does happen more frequently than i'd like. and in each and every case the person who berates me is fat. i don't know why this is. do fat people inherently feel the need to point out my shortcomings? do they just hate me? i don't know. so the warning is there for you, read no further if you may be offended by my calling someone fat.

like each and every occurrence in my life it starts with - i was minding my own. and i was. i go to considerable pains to avoid shopping at our local jumbo supermarket chains. i've always had a preference for trader joe's or the occasional indie shop but a couple years back workers at the big chains went on strike. i opted to not cross their picket lines and i've never been back.

well, almost never. on an ugly, santa ana wind infested sunday afternoon i was tired and needed a couple items and the jumbo was so easy and on the way home, i bit the bullet and went in. i managed the find the items i was looking for without much trouble and got into line. there were two shoppers ahead of me, both with items on the conveyer belt and shortly after arriving, someone was behind me in line. i walked forward when there was room and began to place my items on the conveyor when the woman behind me said something so i turned around and drank in her enormitude and knew it was going downhill from there.

she: "you're doing it wrong"

me: "what?"

she: "that"

i looked where she pointed, in the general direction of my groin, and looked back in what must have appeared as simian incomprehensive (or maybe that puppy thing with the turned head).

she: "you can't do it like that. the cart has to be in front of you"

sure enough, i was in fact standing in front of my cart, reaching to my left (as i faced the register) to pick my items up.

she: "i can't put my stuff up there with your cart in the way"

here is where i should have left well enough alone. i know that now, ok? so no need to point it out. instead, i said something like..

me: "irrespective of where i'm standing in relation to the cart we (the cart and i) occupy the same amount of space" i did NOT add "which is roughly half of the space you occupy on your own".. see? i DO self-censor.

she: "no. that's wrong"

now i have a feeling this last comment was calculated to get me to do what she wanted. and it did. to demonstrate i switched places with the cart and yep, same amount of space. undeterred she reached across me, practically bent over at the waist to show that NOW she could reach the belt. she went on to explain that i "need to learn the rules" and "do it right." i asked her simply "please stop talking to me" and with one more "gladly!", she did.

this is at least the third time i've been yelled at by other customers in big chain stores by fat people. so now it's my stock reply when asked why i don't visit wal-mart, k-mart, ralphs, or costco. "the fat people there HATE me!"